Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)

It's no secret, I love John Carpenter's work. I think the original Assault on Precinct 13 is one of his best movies, and I know that I'm not alone. However, the remake had gotten an amount of good press, so it seemed worth checking out. I tried to keep an open mind, and honestly did my best not to compare it to Carpenter's film at all. Objectively, it stinks.

It's not that it strays too far from the original story. In fact, it's pretty faithful, aside from some well-made changes to fit in with the modern setting. The changes serve the plot well, in fact. However, the characters and acting are atrocious. In one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've seen in a while, most of the characters never learn each others' names, and refer to each other by generic nicknames. The gangster is called 'gangster', sergeant is called 'sarge', the junkie is 'junkie', the doctor is 'doc', and so on and so forth. This is hilarious because it furthur illustrates how two-dimensional the characters really are. You can pretty much guess everything that's going to happen based on the characters' initial appearances, and not be too far off.

You don't really care about any of the people in the film, which makes most deaths completely devoid of anything resembling emotion. I mean, the main character treats everyone like shit, flirts with every white woman in the film, assumes they all want him, and steals his own medical files. Yeah, real great way to establish sympathy for the characters. Oh wait, he blames himself for the death of his partners in the past, and now hides behind his desk job, smoldering with angst. How deep!

Not that the original film is any masterpiece in its own right, by any means. It's a simple, low-budget thriller, but it never attempts to be anything but, and it succeeds brilliantly. The remake, with its predictable plot, wooden characters and faux-documentary style is just daft. The acting, however, is only slightly better than in the original. If you've seen Carpenter's original, though, you know that's not really a compliment.

If you're able to completely shut your brain off and enjoy all the explosions and gunfire, you might find some entertainment, but not much.